I'm having heart surgery today...

...and it will be just fine.

Dear All of You,

I know this isn’t a typical “Here’s what I’m up to as an artist” post, but I want to write to you anyway.

I’m about to undergo something so major - a life-saving heart surgery that will, I have to trust, save my life. I’ve had a faulty mitral valve since birth, and it has generated several ongoing and serious cardiac issues throughout my adulthood that have caused me extraordinary fear and pain.

Over the past six months or so, my symptoms amplified to the point of being unbearable. Currently, I can barely stay awake for longer than two hours at a time, I’m unable to take my cherished daily walks, and my brain fails to operate anywhere near the level it used to.

The physical repercussions of living with active heart failure are impossible to explain unless one has experienced it, which of course makes it isolating and grim. But so much in life is isolating and grim. This just happens to be my current state of affairs. And guess who can handle it? ME!

Besides the general annoyance of feeling awful 24/7, the main reason all of this has been driving me insane is because my illness has finally gotten severe enough to stop me from doing pretty much everything I love. I already mentioned the lack of walks. I can’t even crochet anymore. I’m not sure how playing with yarn while seated can be so exhausting, but it is.

I’ve had to stop drawing, I’m too out of breath to record my podcast, and I’ve regretfully not felt up to writing or posting on Substack. I’m genuinely sorry to all subscribers reading this, and I thank you for your patience. I promise that I will post regularly again as soon as my energy emerges post-surgery, and I can’t wait!

How I want to see myself again - happy, gardening, drinking some iced decaf! Photo by @sarahlightness ✨

I also never realized how much I LOVE being alive. I won’t spend a lot of time droning on about how I used to feel about being born a human, but to put it simply: I didn’t like it. Conversely, now…that trite and expected “life is precious” phase people go through when confronted with their own demise…I’m deep in it, baby.

As I’ve discussed on here in previous posts, I very recently geared up for the second phase of my career as a visual artist, and I was really getting excited about what’s to come. I need these years I hopefully have ahead of me. Like, frothing-from-the-mouth-NEED.

I have a chapel to build. I have a brilliant husband I want to make eggs for, and I want to continue to be lulled to sleep by his thunderous snoring. I have neighbors to share garden flowers with and casseroles to make for friends. I have apology & love letters to write and a cat who needs me to pick up her prodigious hairballs. I have so many drawings to make and books to read aloud to people who don’t mind my voice. I want to remind people that they’re loved and seen, and I want to learn to appreciate things I’ve always thought were lame. I have hotdogs to eat, damn it! I’ve never longed for so much.

I want everything.

But at the same time, I’m also ready to be satisfied with anything. If I get to live even one more day with my new pristine mitral valve, I’ll take it. Even if it’s an otherwise shitty day, I will cherish it. I vow right here and now to be happy during however many more days God grants me.

“Keep dying! Keep writing it down!” -C.K. Williams

Don’t let me forget this later. Hold me to it. And I hope I can remind you, too. Because this is all we’ve got.

My stepson Coltrane and me 🥰. Photo by his wondrous mama @sarahlightness

Lastly, to the people I have surrounding me, you’ve helped me in ways I can’t describe. Whether you’re family, an Instagram friend, someone I’ve known since middle school, or any other soul I’ve been fortunate enough to encounter, “blessed” doesn’t come close to describing it. So if you have (or have had) any part in my life, thank you. I love you. And if you ever have difficulty with your heart, medically or metaphorically, I’m right here waiting to help.

But until then, I have a series of pretty intense pre-surgical showers to carry out.

Devotedly yours and hopeful, Robyn

p.s. A note for those of you who want to receive one of my postcard drawings (see THIS post if you don’t know what I’m talking about). 🚨 If you’ve recently signed up for a paid subscription or are planning on doing so - thank you! After becoming a paid member, you must send me your mailing addresses using the button below (or simply DM me through Substack). If you do it any other way, I may never get it 😫! And of course, it’s going to take me a while to get back into the studio, so I hope you can understand that the drawings won’t be made and mailed out for a few months at the earliest. But I’m good for it - I assure you!

The Agnew Clinic, Thomas Eakins, 1889