Pages from My Composition Books, Volume 2

Today I pulled a composition book from 2012, my least favorite year of my life. 2023 is up there now too, but let’s stick with the subject. 2012.

I was both confused about my work and severely depressed. The year prior, I finally finished and exhibited what I believed to be my magnum opus HELL, and let’s just say that didn’t go exactly as planned.

Me, working on HELL in Thousand Oaks, CA, 2011

I remember continually asking myself “Why are you even doing this?” Making art suddenly seemed insane. The more I asked myself why, the more I remembered my heroes. Vincent van Gogh was the artist that kept coming up for me. He’d been my favorite artist throughout my entire childhood. Paintings of his always creep into my life when I most need them and on a quick day trip to Santa Barbara, I stumbled on a van Gogh flower study.

If I were in my right mind, I would have simply enjoyed the painting and gone about my business. But instead, I decided I would stop making “my work” and start drawing ONLY still lifes of dead flowers for the rest of my days. Yes, I’m THAT extreme.

I started researching the meanings behind flowers and started printing out photos of dead begonias, dead nightshades, dead lavender.

He wanted to “harmonize brutal extremes” and I wanted to be anything other than what I was. My dead-flower-still-life scheme lasted about three days and I moved on, thank God. But I wasn’t done trying to steal something of his.

Vincent van Gogh, Head of a Woman, oil on canvas on panel, 1884-1885

I’ve had an old postcard of this seemingly unfinished van Gogh painting on the wall of every studio I’ve ever had since as far back as I can remember. I’m just in love with it. And being lost, it seemed like the perfect time to do a version of it.

This is one of only two women who have ever existed in my work.

I was shocked and honored when the brilliant project “Great Art in Ugly Rooms”, the brainchild of Houston artist Paul Kremer, once featured this piece. Cool update: this drawing is now sitting (hopefully not rotting) in my storage shed. Here’s to GREAT ART!

Paul Kremer’s “Great Art in Ugly Rooms” featuring my drawing.

After that one portrait, I put to rest my dream of being the early 21st century’s van Gogh and eventually became myself again.

“Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” ~Randy Pausch

p.s. New ME READING STUFF episodes every Tuesday!

p.s. Thank you for reading!